Day seven: Fine…I’ll talk about love…

The title is completely misleading in that it presumes someone wrote me a message demanding I discuss my love life, but they didn’t. I promised to do it over the weekend and failed. I guess, and this shocks even me, talking about it seems so personal. Yes, I am the guy who once ruminated on moments when my family thought I was gay, but that was mostly jest on a real event. I’d like this to be a serious appraisal of my life…in front of an audience of several I presume.

First though I think I should clear up a word I used a few posts back, “Holla.” I should explain that I only use this word in ironic or as complete nonsense. An example by way of dialogue:

John: Did you take my beer?
Me: Yeah.
John: Why?
Me: Holla.

So…moving on. Let’s start the list of my failed attempts at love (initials protect identities):

L (Off and on Jan. 2003 – Dec. 2004)
M (Feb. 2005 – May 2005)
K (July 2005 – Aug. 2005)
J (Roughly Oct. 2005 – Jan. 2006)
C (Feb. 2007 – Dec. 2007)

This list leaves out the girls who fell between as hook-ups, a few short dates, or any other amalgamation of poor decision-making one can imagine. I know that some people my age have lists astonishingly longer, but mine still disturbs me if only because I know people who are marrying their second boyfriend or girlfriend…ever…and that’s sort of depressing. Mostly I get a tad bummed by my bungling because in each case something I did led to the failure of the relationship. Cold feet. The “convinced you are cheating” paranoia every guy experiences at one point or another. Living in a different area code. My fault. Each one. I apologize, but the deeds have been done and this isn’t High Fidelity––we’re not meeting up to discuss it.

I don’t hit. I’m not verbally abusive. I try to be considerate (even though I fail in huge ways from time to time). I try to do little things because I think those matter most. But, there’s this other side of me…the dumbass side. Here are ten examples:

1. Oddly confused about what I do wrong, yet completely aware of it
2. I often experience bouts of insecurity over everything from size of my ass to any talent I may have or not have
3. Always sneezing
4. Remember how in When Harry Met Sally Billy Crystal talks about reading the last page of a book first just in case he dies before getting to it as if that were evidence of a dark side? I have a will. I am 23.
5. I’ll forget every important date – birthdays and anniversaries equally – like I get paid to do it.
6. Snoring is my hobby
7. I nearly always dislike or am disliked by your friends
8. When I feel stressed I become very quiet and “don’t want to talk about it,” and when I do (and this gem comes from my friend John) I'm sort of a dick. I'd note however that these aren't extremely common
9. I meant to call…
10. Free For All: Have you dated me, or otherwise seen me? Feel free to comment.

After a long think over the whole issue, I'm pretty sure these are just the tip of the iceberg that represents my problems. Overall, I’m not looking for marriage now, or maybe ever (the whole concept seems bad…the government licensing human relationships? They can barely keep bridges in order), all I really want is to just get a slight hold on what the hell other people are doing to make relationships work that I fail at. Some of my problems I can’t change–like the snoring (asthma)–but others I should really work on. I mean forgetting a birthday? It’s called a “calendar.” Your friends? I should at the very least hide my disgust…as long as they reciprocate.

Okay that’s all I got for you. We can dive into each relationship later if it’s relevant to the post or if someone falls back into my life in a way I’ll have to address. I see no reason to do that just yet, and besides, this post is getting very long compared to the others.