Why the week away? his goddamned Internet was bugged out and not cooperating so I just said to hell with it. But I'm back to tell you about my life everyday from now on.
• Day 67, Friday (March 21):
Rev. Slanky played at the Badlander (ONE YEAR! w00t!) and Alisia, Bill, John and myself couldn’t pass it up. We ran into more people we knew right before the show and all of us staked out some real estate on the dancefloor during the first set, a rollicking good time but few dancing. The second set, however, erupted with a floor so packed no one could really move at all, but that didn’t stop anyone. While normally getting batted around with a PBR in hand would be annoying, there was something in the energy that made it worthwhile. So overall a good night, that is aside from a few bits of OPD (Other People’s Drama). Note: Bill needs to embrace AmVets as one of Missoula’s places of interest, and just…calm down a bit.
• Day 68, Saturday (March 22):
Alisia and I need to pack for a trip to Phoenix, but we instead spend a fair amount of time just BSing about unimportant crap. We’re not the most “on the ball” couple of all time apparently, nor do we use time well (A big kindergarten unsatisfactory lies in our immediate future). I got hassled at Walgreen’s because I needed to refill a prescription for an inhaler – if I’ve never mentioned it before, I’m a moderate asthmatic – that my insurance wouldn’t cover because it was early in the month. I love that about insurance companies: You pay them not to do jack shit for you; kind of like Rep. Rehberg. The upside for the day was getting Alisia to watch Swingers, a fine 90s film that I’ll always have a special place for since Jon Favreau character’s personality seems oddly familiar to me…
• Day 69, Sunday (March 23):
Have you ever said something so blatantly stupid you thought someone would notice it and save you, but then no one did? Here’s mine: “We can totally drive to Phoenix in one day. It’s only a 17 hour trip.”
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
First off: Google Maps can kiss my ass. What a shitty direction-giving program. It led us down a road that essentially added on hour to our trip time, which ended up as 20 ½ hours, 17 of which I drove…yes, because I’m a moronic male. Sorry. I’m a cliché.
From Missoula to SLC were pretty much without incident as we rocked out to some badass 90s hits (There was some Gin Blossoms, I admit this). Then I ditched the freeway looking for the Red Robin in Murray, Utah and got us lost. Why Red Robin, a kitschy corporate eatery? We hadn’t eaten all day and a milkshake sounded good…but we didn’t find it and thus the Applebee’s post. Since I was pissed about losing the freeway and missing out on Red Robin Alisia took over driving for a while, which began with her stopping on a set of railroad tracks and saying, “I hope a train doesn’t come.” On cue the train arrived and we had to run a red light…bad mojo.
With her at the wheel I was free to sleep, and regain my composure… which means I sat there, passenger side, scared out of my mind convinced that she’d kill us both. Apparently, like I said before, I was being a cliché guy with a female driver. It made me feel guilty, but luckily Alisia found it charming (this is a blatant lie. It annoyed her to no end but she still put up with me and even gave somewhat constant reassurance by saying, “We’re fine…quit worrying…stop it…seriously, stop it…).
Coming into Arizona, I guess somewhere around Kanab, Utah at about 10:30 p.m., I took over the driving (it may have been before this actually, I can’t remember and Alisia’s discussing Lost with my brother so I’m not going to fact-check this.) A woman at a gas station told us to watch for elk at about 10-miles out of town because, “That area’s teemin’ with em from what ever’one sayin’.” But there weren’t any elk. Not one. Not even a deer – just winding, winding, and winding damn roads that seemed more and more dangerous with every minute. I chugged Red Bulls.
Alisia kept me awake with a conversation about how we first started dating. Neither of us played the whole odd dating game – trying to make moves, etc. – we just became friends…and then more. This conversation, a one-sentence summary, took us nearly through the Navajo Rez north of Flagstaff, but not entirely, which meant we had to move on to other topics like, sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. Okay, we talked about episodes of Friends that we liked…we’re embarrassing.
But anyway…
Speaking of Flagstaff, that’s where I scared Alisia to death. She tried sleeping, or rather fell into a stupor, around this time and I was near dead. This was about 2 a.m. and I couldn’t tell a tree from a person, or a red light from a green one. I told Alisia I wanted to quit and that I needed sleep, but she wanted to trek on saying, “I’m-ah, good. I can drive. I can drive. I can drive. Totally. I’m-ah fine.” So I continued driving since she was incoherent, which meant I needed to change interstates…total disaster. I ran two red lights and drove all over the road. Now, while this seems bad – and it was – I did get woke up… by a huge damn elk. Yeah, Kanab Lady was right about elk, but about 300 miles off.
I have lived in Montana for 23 years, and I’ve never seen as many elk as I did right outside of Flagstaff. Jesus Christ. It was an endless line of elk that truckers and other idiots drove by at speeds of 75 mph. It was crazy. We drove slower, and then we eventually got there…at 4 a.m…with a big ass story of the 20 hours we spent with each other between Missoula, Montana and Phoenix, Arizona and how at the end of it we still liked each other. My brother, Bob, seemed amazed that we were alive.
Upside of bringing Alisia with me: a real mattress. Usually when I stay in PHX my brother provides an air mattress that sucks, but because I brought a female he actually got a mattress and box spring. Holla.
One could assume we hit this mattress and slept, but instead the two of us hit the bed and laughed for about half an hour about the whole trip. It was a crazy day, but it felt great. We’d done something together that was completely insane, and I think it made us a little closer for having done it.
Also, It felt awesome to sleep…
• Day 70, Monday (March 24):
My nephew Ethan is one loud little turd. Totally loud. He squeals. He screams. He bangs toys. He’s two and he wants you to know it. Waking up to his calls wasn’t as much a pleasure as a curse. Ugh. I wanted sleep time, but Ethan was awake and as I would continue to learn throughout the week: this means get up and play.
Missy, my sister-in-law, went to get a pedicure with her sister-in-law Annette so Bob, Alisia and I took Ethan as well as his cousins Maddy and Austin to the park and then to feed the neighborhood donkeys. I’m not lying here. Glendale, at least the area where my brother lives, doesn’t have a home owners association so people own chickens (without controversy), horses, and donkeys. The donkeys are kind of the neighborhood pet and people tend to feed them all the time. We brought them apples. Alisia got some great pictures of this, but since she hasn’t had time to go through them I can’t post any. Expect them in the future, but here's one of Maddy and Ethan playing in my brother's Saturn:
Ethan and Maddy...This time we avoided such incidents. A little note on Scottsdale: no smoothies. We spent about a half hour in the mall looking for the obligatory smoothie concession only to find that the place had none. It has about a bazillion polo shirts, but no smoothies. What a shithole. Yuppies suck.
That night we barbecued some burgers while my brother took it upon himself to goad me into leaping into a cold ass pool. This thing is not a heated high-class deal. It’s a cement hole with water requiring sunshine. In the winter it doesn’t freeze, but it doesn’t get warm. Finally he said the magic words: “I’ll jump in if you do.” Oh, it was on. I jumped, I froze, and then – shocked that I did it – Missy and Alisia mocked my brother until he jumped as well. Awesome.
• Day 71, Tuesday (March 25):
We went to the park again, but this time to a different one, and with Bob and Missy’s friends Chip and Suzy, and their daughter whose name I am totally blanking on… well, never mind that whole time. It was fun, but we don’t need to talk about it much other than to say that watching two grown men (Chip and my brother) try to fly a kite on a day with barely a breeze has to be one of the best ways to spend a Tuesday.
This night actually marked my one-month anniversary with Alisia, but I of course didn’t realize this until Thursday. Regardless I took her to a PHX restaurant called Ah-So, or as I call it, The Best Place Ever. Ah-So is for adults what Chuck-E-Cheese is for kids. It’s a Japanese joint where the cooks do all the dishes at the table, which is great to watch not only for handy tips, but also because it’s a performance piece. If you’re in PHX and you don’t hit this place up, you should just drive out to the desert and rot. You’ve missed something amazing.
Once we got home Alisia and I took a stroll around the neighborhood. Apparently Phoenix residents love their carbon because I counted at least 20 Ford 4x4s, mostly extended or double cabs. I guess you need such a ride for all those steep hills and snowstorms Phoenix is famous for. Morons. (I know, I know, a few could be for off-roading, but the vast majority were not tricked out for that so I’m assuming the worst here.)
After that…sleep. Precious sleep.
• Day 72, Wednesday (March 26):
My friend Sarah has family in Phoenix so we met up with her and her Father at a restaurant called The Yardhouse. Big feature: Tons of beer. Tons. Seriously. I was in heaven. Plus Sarah and her Dad are really nice people, and getting a night out with someone other than family while down in Phoenix was a real treat.
Beer tip: Smithwick’s is the bomb. Sean Kelley’s got it on tap so make sure to try it (I scoped it out on the whiteboard there today).
It felt relaxing to have a beer after a long day in the sun that included Alisia and I heading up to this place called Lookout Mountain. From the looks of it Phoenix is a polluted mess. Very smoggy. Again, Alisia got pictures, but I don’t have them yet.
• Day 73, Thursday (March 27):
We’re so lazy…did nothing for a few hours and then we went to the play Closer (the basis for the movie Closer) with Bob and Missy – a new activity for them. Sort of cracks me up that we brought a Missoula-style night out to PHX, especially because the place, ChryoArts Venue, is the small and unknown indie art house…just a few days in the city and I find an art scene. Weird.
Unamazingly Bob and Missy completely dug the play and I think they’ll go to more since plays rock…Others have as well...
*Special note: With 515 closed what will become of the Crystal?
The only other note worthy part of Thursday was Alisia forgetting her ring in our room and Ethan bringing it to her. He’s a bright little scamp and I think the family should keep him around. Here’s a picture of Alisia and Ethan taking pictures together:
Personally I think they're both cute.• Day 74, Friday (March 28):
We leave Phoenix at about 10:30 a.m. en route to SLC and a stay at what turns out to be the seediest Motel 6 I’ve ever seen. What a dive. We got there at about 10 p.m. and were rundown. Another day on the damn road. Plus I was already missing my nephew squeals and attempts to talk. He has a normal nearly 2-year-old vocabulary, but his favorite phrases are “Mama!” and “Yo yo yo!” For my quarter both are funny.
The trip to the Motel Bad went off fine with Alisia and I discovering one big thing: Everyone driving a PT Cruiser is an asshole. Okay, that’s too far. I’ll make it this: Not everyone who drives a PT Cruiser is an asshole, but only assholes drive PT Cruisers. Every few miles we had to deal with someone being a complete bastard in one of these ug-mobiles. Bleh. To hell with them.
I also learned that the freeway scares the shit out of me. I’m used to two lanes and cordial people, not six lanes chock full of bastards. One would think a Mormon state would have polite drivers…but no. Bastards.
After checking in with the staff at Motel Bad (three people with less teeth than a single person, and more ass than a Hostess Snack Cake Fan Club) we entered into our stained room and I felt guilty. What a dive. Just depressing. I couldn’t bring myself to take any pictures of it.
Following a confusing situation involving ordering a pizza I decided to go look for a gas station to buy beer at. Want to know how I knew this part of town was lowclass? Did you know Keystone had an “ICE” version? Neither did I, but apparently it comes in 40s.
On my way back to the room I encountered a fight with a crackhead and a drunk. Good times. The crackhead of course won, but what really matters is that the drunk looked like this guy:
Seriously, the dude looked like this guy from the Never Ending Story...scary!Gross but true. I barely slept after realizing a divot in our room’s wall looked like spackle covering a bullet hole.
• Day 75, Saturday (March 29):
We eat at a Red Robin! Burgers and shakes. Total fatty ass lunch, but so deserved for having missed out the previous week. I was psyched.
When we started off toward home though, something happened. Alisia dropped a bomb on me asking about my past – particularly about my relationships that…well, weren’t exactly completely fair. By that I mean I dated a passive-aggressive manipulator. Thrice actually. The normal guy thing is to say, “Yeah, she was a bitch,” which I know is pretty un-PC, and also sort of a mischaracterization. It wasn’t about “bitchiness,” but about the fact that when I dated these girls I sort of disliked myself. And that low self-esteem got me to stop dressing in my Fat Wreck hoody, become a vegetarian, and a whole plethora of other crap. So then I did something that I’m sure means I can no longer belong to the John Wayne Fan Club (I don’t, but still…). I told her, “Okay, I was in some abusive relationships.”
Someone call Tracey Gold, I’m going to change the gender and make this into a Lifetime movie…Consult the movie Swingers for more info on what happens to guys and gals when things go south.
Anyway, saying this aloud kind of queered the trip from SLC to Missoula and left me pretty silent. I do this from time to time. I just go blank. I did this once at a party at Alex’s house where I just sat in the basement reading Albert Camus books. But in a Dodge Neon with only one other person, it kind of seems like I’m mad, or something. It makes everything awkward.
Really, all I kept thinking about was how much dating can suck, and how you can really change yourself a lot trying to be something another person likes, but it doesn’t always work out that way…anyway, it was a heavy trip home and it wasn’t until Deer Lodge that we set our ship right again and started having fun. Alisia thinks I should write a book about a guy dealing with trauma after an abusive relationship since the issue never really gets play.
Moving on…
After getting home, showering, and diving into a growler of stout from K-House Alisia and I joined Sean, Tonya, and John for what we figured would be a good time at Westside Lanes singing karaoke (Sean and I were down for Paradise by the Dashboard Light), but then… John saw a gun; some dude packing heat. Given the local's recent rep for, um, killings, we jetted out of there and headed home without telling a soul…the night was pretty much ruined.
• Day 76, Sunday (March 30):
All day I’ve been regretting not saying anything about seeing the gun at Westside, but I haven’t heard anything bad so…I guess Karma worked out for me this time. Outside of that I’ve done nothing but work on this damn post… my hands are tired and my mind is completely broken now. I mean, Jesus, what a length. If you’re reading this I commend you. I’ll see you kids later. Hope everything went well while I was gone.
6 comments:
my grandmother lives in Glendale (true story) and Red Robin is delicious (a truer story).
i read it. learned some stuff. all in all, beats the hell out of working on native news.
My God... I can't believe I read the whole thing. You, sir, kept me up past my bedtime.
Hmm... that sounds kind of naughty. Oh well!
Red robin rules Mr. D, how very true.
Bill: do your work.
Tom: Yes, it does sound naughty.
My favorite part was the description of the hotel room! Work that into a book! :) Sounds like a fun trip!
ok. if i can remember all the comments i made in my head while reading that ridiculously long post, it goes as so:
i drove through flagstaff on my way to ABQ and saw tons of signs for elk, but saw no elk too. motel 6: seedy no matter what town you're in. google maps: yes, most of the time, they do suck and tell you to take a road that ends with no signs saying it ends so you go flying off the road, only to slam on your breaks, and find out a month later that it knocked out one of your front reflectors. and lastly, red robin... that place absolutely blows. but to hear that story, you'll have to actually talk to me sometime.
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